Falling for an ex

For someone like Ciara, romantic relationships had never been very smooth. She had loved five people, but only one of them had truly captivated her. The other four had each brought only a fleeting feeling. Before every breakup, she was always the one to initiate it—very decisive, very ruthless. As for them, they were all the same, using all their might to try to hold her back.

Ciara did not understand what state her own heart was in; she always felt unsatisfied and unhappy with what she had.

Even so, at the age of 25, she recklessly married a man five years her senior who worked in IT, earning enough every month to support her and indulge her expensive hobbies. About two years later, she gave birth to their first baby boy and traveled everywhere. Many people categorized Ciara's life as a dream come true, yet, as mentioned before, she felt no sense of satisfaction with what she had.

Around that time, Ciara and her husband "escaped" from their child for a few days to go on a trip. He booked business class seats for the two of them because she was afraid of children on airplanes. That always gave her a sense of unease.

That being said, as soon as she got on the plane, she would start feeling anxious. Her husband had told her multiple times to go seek psychological treatment, but she brushed it off every time.

When her husband fell asleep, Ciara stood up and walked to the lavatory. As she passed the rows of seats ahead, she saw Aylmer—her ex-lover. He had grown much darker; that was the most distinct feature she noticed about him at the moment. This was a flight from Hanoi to Vinh, so perhaps he was going on vacation too?

She did not know if Aylmer had seen her, and she had no intention of saying hello to him. Running into an ex was a bit awkward, so perhaps she should just act like a complete stranger.

She did not know if Aylmer had seen her, and she had no intention of saying hello to him. Running into an ex was a bit awkward, so perhaps she should just act like a complete stranger. 

However, when they arrived at the airport, while waiting for her husband to retrieve the luggage outside, Aylmer walked right up to her and said:

"Are you going on vacation too?"

"Too"? Ciara nodded. Then, for some reason, the two of them exchanged phone numbers before he left with his wife and child.

By evening, Aylmer sent her a concise, surprising, and bold text message: "I miss you!"

Throughout the rest of that trip, Ciara could not act naturally around her husband; it felt as though a heavy boulder was hanging suspended in her chest. She felt so uneasy that her hands kept breaking out in sweat, causing her husband to ask her about it several times.

Indeed, the appearance of an ex always makes us feel awkward. For him to say he missed her—wasn't that just launching another attack on her?

The night before heading back home, Aylmer sent another message: "I want to see you, just this once."

And so, she agreed to meet him. Naturally, they met in secret.

Aylmer was the person she had loved most passionately out of the five, yet he was the one who had spent the shortest amount of time by her side. Only two months. Two months of passionate, wild love, which ultimately ended over something trivial. Ciara no longer remembered what that matter was; it was too far in the past.

"Back then, I had intended to ask you to get back together, but you moved on to someone new so quickly, so I just let it be."

The phrase "let it be" was spoken softly, laden with sorrow. She hadn't known that he had wanted to reconcile at the time, because when he let go, he had been just as resolute as she was. Ciara remained silent. She was someone who could not tolerate loneliness; she was always afraid of having no one by her side. And yet, in this life, she truly worried far too much about everything. She did not even know why.

"Did you call me out here just to talk about this?" Ciara asked.

Aylmer took her hand and said:

"Why did you have to appear in front of me?"

He spoke as if he were reproaching her.

"We both have spouses and families now."

"I don't care."

She faltered. His gaze was intense and burning with passion. She knew he was the one she had loved the most among all her past relationships. She also knew that their breakup years ago had been absurd, and that their feelings were often not entirely exhausted, but... it was truly too late.

"Are you planning to cheat?"

Aylmer said nothing; his fingers tightened their grip around her hand. He said with anguish:

"I don't love my wife; I only have feelings of habit toward her. She is always pale and colorless in my eyes."

She understood Aylmer's feelings, because she was in the exact same situation. She did not love her husband; she only felt that by marrying him, she would never have to worry about anything anymore. But Ciara never expected that once one worry passed, another would take its place. Sometimes she no longer understood what she even wanted to do.

Aylmer added:

"You might despise me, but I have cheated with many people. Colleagues, my wife's friends, other stranger girls... all just to fill the void inside my heart. The whole world would curse me, but I don't care. Because I don't even have love to betray her with. Ciara, why do we have to torture our lives to this extent?"

Turns out, he had called her here just to shift the blame onto her. Because she had broken up with him hastily back then and moved on to someone new too quickly, he had also decided to jump into a new relationship just as fast to retaliate, and from there, his life had steadily slid into emptiness.

"That was your choice," Ciara said. "You chose to act so foolishly."

Then Ciara returned home and found her husband already asleep. He was sleeping soundly and peacefully on the bed without a single twitch. She walked over and stroked his forehead. This was the first time she had felt so at peace.

How had she been thinking all these years? Why had she always been terrified that life would treat her harshly when she had treated so many people harshly? Placing a kiss on her husband's cheek, she lay down beside him, turned her back to him, and looked out the window.

Suddenly, a warm voice whispered close to her ear:

"Did you meet him? I saw him looking at you the entire flight. Is this the last time for us?"

Ciara was startled; so he had known all along. Her husband was in IT, a man of few words and quiet nature, and she had never paid attention to his inner thoughts. She admitted she had been insensate. But after hearing those words, a natural ache welled up inside her. During the time she went to meet Aylmer, he must have struggled and repressed his feelings a great deal.

She turned around, placed her hand on the bridge of his nose between his eyebrows, and said:

"I haven't done anything to wrong you."

Her husband remained silent.

"Let's keep living together, like this, forever."

Love often lies deep and silent, making it hard for us to recognize. Living with something new for a long time eventually makes it fade into dullness, let alone something so utterly ordinary. She still did not understand whether she loved her husband or not, but she understood one thing: when someone loves you and is willing to make sacrifices for you, you have no right to hurt them. Never.